Since childhood, our minds have been training for a very specific kind of mental gymnastics. It’s a silent, subconscious game where we play casting director for every person we meet. We expect a boss to wear a certain suit, a college student to have a certain kind of unkempt hair, and a rickshaw wala to have a specific kind of world-weariness in his eyes.
We’ve been fed this diet of mental stereotypes since the first time we watched a Bollywood movie. We know what the hero looks like. We know his sister. We know his mother (ever-sacrificing, probably in a nice saree). We know the villain. We know his henchmen. But have you ever stopped to think about what the villain’s mother looks like? Nobody ever thinks about that.
Entire industries, by the way, are built on this ridiculously rigid perception. The beauty cream industry, for example, is convinced a new mother should look a certain way—all glowing and radiant. Meanwhile, a mother of a teenager is somehow given a little more freedom to just… be. The same goes for men. A whole hair dye empire exists just to make sure we don’t look our age, because god forbid a 45-year-old corporate leader has a few grey streaks. It’s all about fitting into a box that society built for us.
And the funny thing is, it works both ways. We look at someone who looks like a hero and immediately assume they’re intelligent, well-read, and probably have their life together. We meet them, and a few minutes into the conversation we realize they have no clue what they’re talking about. The image in our head breaks, and we feel… cheated?
On the other hand, how many times have we seen someone who looks like they’re a bit of a slob—maybe unkempt hair, mismatched clothes—and we immediately assume they’re not smart? Then they open their mouth and reveal a level of genius that completely blows your mind. The truth is, our perception is a mirage. It’s all a construct. There is no external look that tells us what a person is truly capable of.
I’m guilty of this, too. I’ll admit it. I find it difficult to hire people who look shabby or don’t seem to have their act together. My biases get in the way. Maybe I’d hire them for remote work, where I don’t have to see them, which is a terrible admission, but it’s the truth. And it shows that we need to work on ourselves as much as we expect others to conform.
So, what’s the secret to breaking this cycle? How do we see past the facade and get to the real person?
Honestly, there’s no magic solution. The only way is to keep interacting, keep learning, and keep moving forward. Don’t judge. Just be open. Because the truth is, we’re all messy, imperfect human beings, trying to figure it out. And if we can all find a little grace for ourselves, maybe we can extend it to others.
Oh, by the way, what does the villain’s mom look like?
The world may never know.
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